When Love Is a Lie--Narcissistic Partners & the (Pathological) Relationship Agenda by Zari Ballard

Author:Zari Ballard
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: narcissistic, psychopath, narcissistic personality disorder, codependency, narcissism, narcissist, psychopathology, psychopathy, pathological liars, borderline personality disorder, narcissist personality disorder, narcissistic abuse recovery, narcissistic codependent relationship, psychopaths verbal abuse, passive aggression, silent treatment
Publisher: Zari Ballard

Chapter XI: The Beginning

I knew my N for ten years before he became my boyfriend. We were actually very good friends, fellow musicians, and confidantes and, although he made several half-hearted attempts to seduce me during those years, I only wanted to be friends and that’s the way we kept it. When I ran into him again in 2001 at a club where I was singing, I was happy to see him and fresh out of a relationship that I regretted ending. The N was breath of fresh air that night, as funny and cute as I remembered him and we flirted and laughed all night long. When the club closed and he asked for a ride home, the seed was planted. That fateful night turned into the beginning of a twelve year emotional roller coaster of manipulation that I couldn’t stop.

There’s a reason why women don’t immediately recognize the signs – for the most part, there aren’t any. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and I see zillions of them now when I look back. How about the fact that at the club that night in 2001, over drinks, he casually described how he was in the middle of “blowing off” this girl he had been dating for six months….how it had been three days now of her calling and him ignoring the calls (i.e. silent treatment). I didn’t know the term at the time but he was in the throes of a Devalue & Discard with this woman and, from the few stories that followed, it wasn’t the first time he had done this to her. And that night, as I started to undress, feeling comfortable enough to have sex with a guy I’d known half my life, I asked if he thought she’d come by, if it was safe to be there naked right on the living room couch. He was confident and adamant that she would not be by. I thought this was odd since he had, in fact, been blowing her off but I went with it and, sure enough, she never showed that night or any night thereafter in fact.

How could he have been so confident that she wouldn’t at least drive by? Because he had managed down her expectations, trained her to stay away, filled her with so much anxiety that he knew he was safe at least the first few days of the blow off - just like he would train me to behave over the next decade of my life. I never did meet or even run into that woman but I can only be happy for her – she was released after just six months in his clutches. Although I’m sure he attempted to contact her at least a few times behind my back in the beginning (and maybe even over the years), he saw me, for whatever reason, as a far more lucrative piece of narcissistic supply.

Thanks for the kind words on the post. When I do write here, I always feel so good.

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